Have you recently lost a parent and found that grief feels nothing like you expected? Maybe you thought you'd know how to handle it or perhaps you expected to feel a certain way but instead you're left with something far more complicated and confusing. If so you're not alone.
As a counsellor in Surrey and Hampshire, I work with people navigating some of life's most painful moments, and losing a parent is one of the most profound. What strikes me, time and again, is how surprised people are by what grief actually feels like. Not the composed, teary version we see in films but the real, messy and sometimes contradictory experience of it all.
It doesn't always look like sadness
Grief after losing a parent can show up in ways you might not even recognise as grief. You might feel completely numb going through the motions of organising the funeral, fielding phone calls and thanking people for flowers while feeling strangely detached from it all. Or you might find yourself overwhelmed by the most unexpected things, sobbing in a supermarket because you spotted their favourite biscuits on the shelf.
Some people feel relief, particularly if their parent had been ill for a long time, and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. Others feel a complicated mix of grief and anger especially if the relationship was difficult. There's no right way to feel and whatever you are experiencing is valid.
The things nobody tells you
Nobody really warns you about the strange, practical reality of grief. The paperwork. The phone calls to cancel direct debits. Sorting through decades of someone's belongings and not knowing what to keep or let go. These tasks can feel both utterly mundane and deeply heartbreaking at the same time.
People also don't always tell you that grief isn't linear. You might feel okay for a few weeks and then be completely floored by it months later. An anniversary, a song, a smell, can bring it all rushing back when you least expect it.
Giving yourself permission to grieve
One of the most important things you can do is give yourself permission to grieve in your own way, in your own time. There's no deadline, no correct amount of sadness, and no right way to honour someone you've lost.
If you're struggling to make sense of what you're feeling, or if grief is beginning to affect your day-to-day life please know that support is available. Talking things through with a counsellor can give you a safe, judgement-free space to process the complexity of loss, at whichever pace feels right for you.
Reach out to Imogen Ellis Jones Counselling today. You don't have to navigate this alone.