Have you ever been given a compliment and felt an urge to automatically bat it away? Someone tells you that you look lovely and you hear yourself saying "oh, this old thing?" Someone praises your work, and you're quick to reply "not as good as X's, though."

If this sounds familiar, it's worth reflecting on. What looks like modesty from the outside can actually be something else entirely: genuinely not believing what you're being told.

It's Not About Being Humble

We tend to assume that deflecting praise is a nice trait. It’s a sign of humility, of not being big-headed. But for a lot of people it isn't a choice at all. It's a reflex.

Difficulty receiving praise can be a learned survival response. Something that developed in situations or environments where staying small felt safer. 

This may have looked like attention as a child coming with strings attached. Or, you learned, quietly and over years, that the safest place to be was unseen.

If that's the environment a belief system was built in, then a compliment doesn't feel like a gift. It feels like a threat.

Why a Compliment Can Feel So Uncomfortable

For some people, being complimented doesn't bring a rush of pleasure, it brings a wave of self-consciousness. You suddenly become aware of yourself. You feel on display, unsure what to do with the attention.

The real reason a compliment can feel so hard to accept is this: instead of landing somewhere positive, it challenges your entire belief system. If a part of you has organised your whole identity around not being "that" (such as not being talented, not being attractive, not being worthy of praise) then someone telling you otherwise doesn't feel like a compliment. It feels like a contradiction. And contradictions are uncomfortable, so the instinct is to resolve them quickly, usually by dismissing what's just been said.

How to Start Receiving Compliments

The good news is that this pattern isn't fixed. Like any learned response it can be gently unlearned. It won’t go away overnight, or by simply "trying to believe" someone the next time they're kind about you, but through small, repeated practice.

• Sit with the compliment, instead of automatically pushing it away. Resist the urge to correct, deflect, or minimise. You don't have to agree with it yet, just let it exist for a moment before you respond.
• Start practising saying thank you. Nothing more. No qualifier, no joke, no redirection. Just those two words, even if they feel stiff at first.
• Understand that the discomfort you feel is valuable information. It's not a sign you're right to dismiss the compliment, it's a sign that this touches on something worth exploring further.
• Get curious about where the pattern came from. Whose voice are you really responding to when you shrink from praise? Whose approval, or disapproval, shaped this?
• Start recognising the good in others. Practising noticing strengths and qualities in the people around you can, over time, make it easier to imagine that others might genuinely be noticing yours.
• Start giving compliments to others. Offering praise sincerely, and noticing how easily and honestly you mean it, can help you understand that when someone compliments you, they probably mean it too.

The Shift That Comes With Practice

None of this changes things instantly, and that's alright. This isn't about forcing yourself to feel differently overnight, it's about interrupting an old pattern, one small moment at a time.

Over time, as you practise receiving compliments rather than deflecting them, something begins to shift. Slowly, that information, that you are talented, kind, capable, attractive, worth noticing, starts to be something you hold about yourself, rather than something you immediately hand back.

If this pattern feels familiar and you'd like to understand where it comes from, or explore it further, I offer a space to do exactly that. Get in touch to find out more about working together.