Have you noticed that when people ask how you’re doing you automatically respond with “fine”? Perhaps you think an honest answer would put people off or worry them. Or perhaps, you’re not sure how you’re feeling or how to put what you’re experiencing into words.
When you’re going through a breakup, a bereavement or a period of anxiety or depression, a simple question such as ‘how are you?’ can feel hard to answer. So reaching for something short and easy, such as “I’m fine” or “fine, thanks” acts as an emotional shield that keeps those who care about you at arm’s length, even if part of you is longing for them to ask again.
When “Fine” Becomes Your Automatic Answer
The first few times you say it when you’re feeling fine, may feel like a conscious choice, as it’s a way to avoid an awkward conversation, or to spare someone else’s feelings. But the more you repeat it, the less it feels like a decision. It becomes automatic.
This habit is often reinforced by experience. If being honest has previously been met with silence, discomfort or a quick change of subject, you learn that “fine” is easier for everyone. Over time, this can create distance from your own emotions, as you get so used to not naming how you feel that you start to lose touch with yourself.
You Say You’re Fine But You’re Not
Saying you’re fine, when really you’re struggling and finding things hard and overwhelming, is often a way to avoid vulnerability. It can feel easier, or safer, to evade the truth but overtime this becomes exhausting and it can quietly put a strain on the relationships that matter most to you.
The people who truly care about you will want to know how you’re really doing so that they can offer support. Talking about how you’re feeling with loved ones can also help you process difficult emotions, and begin to recognise your own difficulties without shame.
A Safe Space to Say How You Really Feel
Not everyone feels ready or able to open up to friends or family, even when they want to. Perhaps you don’t feel truly heard by the people around you, or perhaps they simply don’t have the time or capacity to listen in the way you need. This is where speaking to a counsellor can make a big difference.
I offer a space where you don’t need to have the right words ready, or worry about how what you say will land.
I can help you break habits, such as saying “I’m fine”, beliefs and help you reduce stress and build self-esteem.
At Imogen Ellis Jones Counselling, I work with clients dealing with bereavement, depression, anxiety, relationship issues and addiction. If you’d like to talk and see whether counselling is right for you, we can book an initial consultation to find out whether we’re a good fit.