"Why does this keep happening to me? Every relationship starts differently, but ends up in the same place."

It's something I hear in the counselling room again and again.

Different faces, different names, different circumstances, but somehow the same painful pattern. If you've found yourself wondering why you keep choosing the same type of partner, you're not alone, and it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

Is it really just bad luck?

It's tempting to put it down to coincidence. "I just attract the wrong people." Or "all the good ones are taken."

But very often, there's more going on beneath the surface.

We don't choose partners with our heads alone. We're drawn to people who feel familiar, and familiar isn't always the same as healthy.

Where do these patterns come from?

I believe that many of our behaviour patterns begin in childhood.

As children, we learn what love looks like by watching the people around us. We learn how affection is given or withheld, how conflict is handled, and whether it's safe to say what we need.

If you grew up having to earn attention, you may find yourself drawn to partners who are hard to please. If emotions were never talked about at home, someone who keeps their distance may feel strangely comfortable. If you learnt to take care of everybody else, you may keep finding people who need rescuing.

None of this is a conscious choice. It's simply what feels like "normal" to us.

Why does familiar feel so right?

Sometimes, the pull towards a certain type of person can feel like chemistry. There's an intensity, a spark, a sense of "this is meant to be."

Often, though, what we're feeling is recognition. Our minds are quietly saying, "I know this. I know how to do this."

Even if the dynamic hurt us before, it's still known territory. And the unfamiliar, such as someone steady, available and kind, can feel oddly flat, or even uncomfortable, at first.

Can the pattern be broken?

Yes, it can.

The first step is simply noticing it. Looking back over your past relationships, you might start to see what they had in common. How did you feel in the early days? What did you ignore or excuse? What role did you tend to take on?

This isn't about blaming yourself, or your ex-partners. It's about understanding yourself well enough to make a different choice next time.

It's also worth saying that this applies to current relationships too. Many couples I work with begin to see that they keep having the same argument, just with different details. Understanding where that comes from can change how you respond to each other.

How counselling can help

Talking things through with a counsellor gives you a safe, confidential space to explore your history and your relationships without judgement.

Together, we can look at where your patterns began, what they're protecting you from, and what you'd like to be different. Using an integrative approach, I'll work in whatever way suits you best, and for some clients, hypnotherapy can also help to shift long-held beliefs and habits.

You don't have to keep repeating the same story. With understanding, patience and the right support, it's possible to choose differently, and to build the kind of relationship you truly deserve.