A common aspect of my work as a relationship counsellor in Farnham and online is supporting people who have become codependent in relationships. Both partners can be codependent, or it can just be one member of the relationship. It is defined as a “specific relationship addiction characterised by preoccupation and extreme dependence - emotional, social, and sometimes physical - on another person”.

In other words, codependency is an unhealthy and unsustainable dynamic, causing a number of issues to develop in a relationship. It stems from a lack of self-esteem brought about by unstable relationships from the past, particularly childhood, and will, if left unexamined, perpetuate itself in every new relationship.

For this blog post, we will look at two main signs of codependency in a relationship, and how one can look to break the cycle.

Lack of Meaning Outside the Relationship

Someone who is codependent will lose a sense of themselves outside of the relationship. They end up sacrificing their own personal identity, interests, and values. They stop being an independent person with their own unique character, and instead only find meaning in something if it happens in the context of their relationship to a partner. This extreme dedication to one person often means that friends and family end up being neglected, along with their work life and everyday responsibilities like cleaning or keeping up with admin.

Ignoring Your Own Needs

Codependency is underpinned by a considerable lack of self-worth. Someone with low self-esteem, who relies on others for approval, is much more likely to become codependent. They will, when it comes to relationships, relentlessly prioritise someone else over themselves, and base their mood on how the other person feels and behaves. Even if the relationship is bad for them, they will stay locked into this unhealthy dynamic and actually feel guilty about thinking of themselves in relationships, becoming unable to voice their personal needs and/or desires.

What To Do About Codependency

Overcoming dependency is a gradual process. It requires small steps, and can’t be done overnight. The first thing to do is acknowledge the codependency and understand the negative role it plays in your life. Just like with addiction, which is not dissimilar to codependency, recognising that you have a problem is the first step towards solving that problem. I always encourage someone in this position to spend time with supportive family and friends, but the real work comes with looking at the low self-esteem that caused this codependency and understanding where it originally comes from, ahead of working to feel more empowered as an individual.

If you are struggling with codependency in a relationship and would like a confidential place to talk it through, give me a call or email to discuss counselling in Farnham or online.