When clients come to me for relationship counselling in Farnham or online there are two feelings that almost always crop up: shame and/or guilt. Over time they have a way of showing up in relationships even if neither partner does anything particularly wrong like having an affair or neglecting their loved one in some other way. Without proper communication, and both sides making an effort to be truly open, shame and guilt can appear.

To help you understand this area a little better, and recognise these feelings when they show up, this blog post explores a couple of ways I have seen relationships suffer at the hands of unexplored shame and/or guilt.

Reinforces Unhealthy Patterns

Guilt and shame are forms of anxiety and, as a result, they tend to govern the way we think on a daily basis particularly in the context of relationships. It gets to a point where we create self-fulfilling prophecies that ultimately reinforce the exact fear that we have. Our guilt and shame bring into existence the very things we are guilty or ashamed of.

For instance a partner who feels guilty about arriving late from work will carry that nervous energy into the home trying to compensate for missing dinner or quality time with the children even when the partner has insisted they shouldn’t worry. The guilty/ashamed partner will change the way they behave bringing feelings of stress, resentment and restlessness into the home. The other person will naturally react stiffly reinforcing the belief that they are angry and causing more shame and guilt to develop. It becomes a vicious cycle that erodes closeness in a relationship.

Prevents True Connection

More importantly, however, shame and guilt will inhibit one’s ability to connect in their relationship. If we are fearful of sharing our feelings, or exploring why we feel shame with our partner, we will naturally withdraw into ourselves and not have those important honest conversations that serve as the backbone of any successful relationship.

If we are guilty about something - whether it is a specific event like adultery or guilt over one’s overall way of being - we end up living in constant fear of the partner’s criticism and disapproval. This will mean you don’t share how you truly feel which in turn generates feelings of resentment that we keep bottled up until they breed their own kind of poison erupting in fits of anger or dissociation.

Ignoring feelings of shame or guilt never works. Working through them is the only way to maintain a happy, healthy relationship. If you would like to explore this area further with a relationship counsellor in Farnham or online, please do get in touch.